I am too cheap to go to the movies. Sorry, but I just don’t have $50 to drop on a crappy movie that may or may not be worth a damn and a tub of “over saturated with butter” popcorn and some Skittles. My fiancée and I rent a lot of movies on Netflix, and while we sometimes agree on what to rent, usually we don’t. This means that I have an interest in seeing about half the things that we get, and do not have an interest in the other half. I am still made to watch this crap, and therefore, I will review both types of movies. Hey, it’s all a valuable service to you, right? So without further ado….my first edition of “Crappy Movies Not to Netflix”!
May 12, 2012 – Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
This movie sucks. Let’s just get that right out there. I am not going to make you wait until the end of my rambling for a verdict. I’m just going to come right out with that. I was a fan of the Mission Impossible series and of the first two movies, to a degree. The first movie was cool….hey, Jon Voight was a bastard and all the Mission Impossible nerds out there got pissed off because Phelps was a bad guy, there was a hot chick, explosions, and it’s always kind of fun to see a TV show get converted into a movie.
I also typically like Tom Cruise. He’s a bit of a douche in real life, and his movies are hit and miss, but overall he’s usually pretty entertaining. Ghost Protocol only served to highlight for me that Tom Cruise is getting and looking old and his weak attempt at rocking a nice mop of hair in an effort to look younger and cooler. Fail, Tom. Cut that hair. Keep it high and tight like you used to. That works better for you. You’re not a skater, and you’re not a beatnik.
Spoiler Alert: I’m going to talk about the movie now. If you have any interest in seeing this garbage, I’d stop reading now so I don’t ruin it for you.
Tom has a hard time acting his way out of this one. The script is plodding and unimaginative. Ooooh…..we’re back to fighting with the Russians, again? Really? I thought we were all friends now. Tom’s (er, sorry…..Ethan’s) locked up in a Russian prison. Some new fill ins from IMF break him out, and the fun begins. We have a witty british dork who I guess is good with computers….nowhere as cool as Luther (aka Ving Rhames from the previous flicks) and your gratuitous love interest chick whom we all know Tom will hook up with eventually. That’s the new team? Hmmm….at least before we had “The Professional”. I digress.
This weak plot proceeds. We find out that there are some Russian nuclear launch codes “in the open” and IMF needs to get them back. There’s a guy who is trying to acquire them. He’s a nutjob with a cool name…Cobalt. IMF needs information on this guy, so the first order of business is to…no way….wait a second….this must be a mistake…..break into….THE KREMLIN?!?!?!? Dum dum dummmmmm. Wow. I can’t believe they’re even going to try this. Again, I thought that we were friends with the Russians. Why we can’t just ask them for the information we need, I’m not sure, but Tom and the gang break in anyway. Of course they use some cool gadgets to get past security…..hey, security is pretty weak at The Kremlin….but the tapes they need are gone. Cobalt’s already been here. Then he sets off a bomb that blows The Kremlin to kingdom come. Holy crap. That is bad.
Of course there is a big misunderstanding, and the Russians think that Americans are responsible for the bombing. Tom escapes the hospital and is picked up by the IMF secretary. This guy’s new….I don’t remember seeing him before. They’re riding along in a limo when the secretary drops the bad news….because the Russians think that IMF is responsible for the bombing, the President has invoked…….wait for it…….wait…….wait…….GHOST PROTOCOL!!! Oh damn. IMF is shut down and all agents are now disavowed again. They are always disavowing people. It’s amazing. You’d think they’d stop disavowing people cause that’s gotta create a lot of extra paperwork. Maybe IMF just uses the disavowing thing as a way to extract more work out of them. I’m sure they complain a lot about having to work all these crazy hours and the crazy travel schedule. Anyway…..the secretary gets offed and Tom’s on his own again.
So they come up with this brilliant plan to try to intercept the sale of the codes from the assassin to the Cobalt people. All that involves is going to Dubai and wasting an hour of my time as Tom attempts a worthless stunt to climb up the side of the building for god-knows-why and also using a cute little machine to change the suite numbers at the fancy hotel. After a lot of drama, the plan gets messed up, people end up dead, there is a big sandstorm….big freakin’ whoop. Tom and the gang are nowhere closer to solving this problem or getting this movie anywhere closer to being over. Sadly for us, now they have to go to India to track down a guy that controls the satellite that Cobalt needs to launch a nuclear missile.
The one saving grace for this movie is the interaction between the female IMF agent and the rich Indian guy. That was pretty funny, but not worth the 2 hour wait to see it. Are you kidding me? This thing has gone on for two hours. More things blow up and Tom saves the day. The end. Oh, there’s other stuff too but it’s just pointless to talk about. Some of the effect are cool. Most of them have been done before. Most of all this has been done before, and better. You get the idea.
Instead of renting this beauty on Netflix, save that two-day turnaround for something more worthwhile. You will thank me for it.