So this has gone on long enough….
I am sick and tired of stupid morons in the men’s room or locker room at the local gym behaving badly. Are you freaking kidding me? Didn’t anyone ever tell you that you shouldn’t do these things? Were you raised in a third world country? Ok, ok….so if you don’t know what I am talking about, I am going to school you guys right now on proper men’s room and locker room etiquette. Pay attention!
First, guys……don’t come and do your business in the urinal right next to me when there are plenty of free urinals in a huge restroom. Do you think that I am cold? Does it appear that I want your company? No! God put several urinals in a large restroom for a reason, and that reason is so that we can all stretch out, enjoy ourselves, and not have to worry about some yutz coming along and taking up valuable personal space. If the restroom is crowded….that’s one thing, but when it’s empty, spread out guys. I was in the restroom the other day….five urinals in this place…..five. This guy comes along and sidles up right next to me. What, do you want to borrow a dollar, guy? Do you need a mint? Of not, then get the hell away from me.
Second, don’t talk to me in the restroom. This is not a place for conversation. I don’t care about what you did this weekend, what the weather is like, or that you think Gladys in accounting is hot and she wants to go out with you. I don’t care. I want to get in and get out and conversation has no place here. If you talk to guys in a restroom, you are a loser. If you talk to guys through a stall wall, then you are really a loser. There is one exception to this rule. I know that sometimes guys get drunk at the ball game, and there is endless chatter in the restroom, even at the trough, as one drunk guy shouts at another drunk guy. I think that this is an acceptable form of communication and while not preferred, is acceptable in some situations…..this being a group of drunk guys, and not just one on one drunk guys. If you touch me, it’s over.
Third moron….the guy that doesn’t wash his hands. OK, so you don’t want to wash your hands that is your business. You are a dirty individual. If you wanna go home and kiss your wife and play with your kids with those dirty hands, go for it….but don’t you dare leave the restroom before me. I swear…it’s like the minute the guy decides not to wash his hands, no matter where I am in my restroom routine, it’s a big race to the door so he can get out first, and I have to grip the dirty handle with my freshly washed hands and touch what I know is fresh nastiness that he just transferred. I will say that I am NOT a germophobe. I realize there are germs out there and they surround us. I know they are part of our lives everyday, but that doesn’t mean that I want to play pattycake with some guy’s ball sweat or pubes right after he gets done shaking it off. Have some freaking courtesy guys. If you aren’t going to wash your hands, then wait for everyone else to leave the restroom before grabbing the door handle. If people keep coming in the restroom before you can leave, hey….you have the time to WASH YOUR HANDS. If you still refuse, please stay in there forever and don’t reproduce.
Now these rules all stand true for the restroom, but they also apply in the locker room at your local gym. The only problem is that there is a whole different subculture of jackasses at the gym that do all these things listed above and more. It’s like these guys get to the gym and they may be successful businessmen, doctors, lawyers, whatever…..but they get to the locker room and all vestiges of common sense disappear and float out the window. It never ceases to amaze me the amount of stupidity and the total lack of common sense witnessed at the locker room.
Guys, the locker room is not your bathroom at home…..well, unless you’re a homeless dude and in that case, you have a whole different set of problems. We do not want to see you set up your shampoo, cologne, diet supplements, razors, shaving cream, toothpaste and toothbrush all in a pretty little line in the middle of the damn locker room. Get in and get out. Take care of your business and move along. Do you really have nothing better to do in your life than to spend two hours getting right in the locker room? I can get in and get out of there in 20 minutes like most guys can. If you are at the gym, and find yourself laying all this stuff out for all to see, you are a loser. If you walk around the locker room with your equipment hanging out all over the place, you are a loser. If you clip your toenails at the gym, you are a loser. Have I made myself clear?
It all starts here, guys. We’re all in this together. If we can’t get along in these environments, where does that leave us with respect to the rest of our society? How can we truly move forward when some of us behave so badly when it’s time to hit the restroom? I would challenge each and every one of you to stop this ridiculous behavior….and to go an extra step….call out those who engage in this behavior to make them stop. Only then can we truly set ourselves apart and function to our optimal ability as men.